2018 Goals

 

2018

image made using CANVA 

 

Hi everyone long time no speaks I know, but I needed some time away from blogging as, to be honest with you I wasn’t enjoying it as much and the pressure I put on myself to do something my heart just wasn’t in was making me anxious and uncomfortable. However recently I have been feeling the urge to blog again and decided to not put pressure on myself to post every week or stick to certain themes. just post what I want when I want!

I say this and yet I still asked my twitter followers on courte20s what you wanted to read and I put down as an option 2018 goals simply because that’s what I saw everyone else in the blogging community doing, I only realised this when it got chosen and I had thought of what I was going to write thinking “you haven’t got any new year goals that was clever)   So to see how my years progressed and what goals I could create for this year I looked back on my 2017 goals post I spent the whole time reading it laughing at myself I hadn’t achieved one of my goals but to my surprise, I didn’t actually care.

It was then I came up with my new year’s goal: Do what I want not what those close to me want me to do, not what people around me are doing and now what society is telling me to do! 

I’m pretty proud of this light bulb moment because at the end of the day it’s my life when my time comes at the end of it ( sorry to be morbid ) I won’t have to answer to anyone else and neither will you.

So instead of goals that when you look back you won’t really care about, set goals that end with you being happy whatever that may mean.

I will try and post more often I do plan to but no promises.

As always thanks for reading and comment below what things are important to you to achieve this year.

Courtney

Why diversity in the blogging community is so important

#ILiveItIBlogIt

I like to think I am a person who advocates for diversity in society and is passionate about achieving equality for every person on the planet. So when I saw the campaign my friend John Sennett was running to promote divesity within the blogging community I was proud and excited  ( I may have even done a fist pump In the air) 

During my time being in the blogging community ive spoken to some amazing relatable people who understand the sometimes troubling times and experiences I have as a women  who is a wheelchair user, has epilepsy and a mental illness, reading there ecxpirence’s and how similar some are to mine has made me feel more “normal” and like I wasent alone in what I was going trough.

I hate using that word normal is this context but the truth is minorities arn’t the normal within society. The media has a big part to play in that . I see adverts promoting  diversity and they are really not! The most recent example I can think of is Boohoo’s #allgirls campaign that was meant to be promoting all girls right to enjoy fashion and have their own sense of style, within the campaign a women who was plus size or disabled was no where to be seen. This is just the latest example I can think of where the media have ecxduded women who are disabled or have a different apperence to what society would consider normal. And I am sure there a many other instances of diversity exclusion that I haven’t regonized because I am not in that minority group. 

We have a chance to change this us bloggers are part of a new wave of media, we can share our stories and support each other in our real lives warts and all without the glossyness that even many bloggers feel the need to present. Im in my 20s now and confident enough to most of the time being comfortable  with my disablities and mental health problems but at school I was not, but if I was to go into my school times it would be a whole different post. However can say that I would have loved to have someone older than me showing how life really is for them as a disabled person.

Let’s change this for the next generation let’s use the power we have as influences to share the life’s we live our real lives and support and love each other for who we are not the normal were told to be! Let’s all take part in the #ILiveItIblog it campaign and let that just be the start of embracing our diversity.

Do not define yourself by your mental health

time-to-change

Hi again after over a month of not blogging as I’ve said before I love this and if I ever don’t blog for a long period of time its because of my social anxiety, which is slowly getting better after a bad month or two I might explain that in more in another post if you want me to but I’m fed up of being negative at the moment so instead I thought id share why I have decided to pluck up the courage to write this post and whats changed for me.

 

 

While I haven’t been blogging I’ve still been reading blogs from amazing people who struggle with mental health conditions but still continually post amazing and insightful post. I was always in awe of them everytime I read a post this at times made me feel guilty that I couldn’t be as strong as them to do this and then led to my anxiety getting worse and letting negative thoughts creep in such as ” yer it doesn’t matter that your not blogging cause no one likes you anyway so they won’t care or miss you” ( sharing that bit of negativity is for the purpose of positivity I promise)

This constant getting inspired by people and then comparing myself to people I couldn’t match up to or didn’t think I did was a rut I was getting myself into I wanted to be like these people but I just couldn’t.

But then I had a lady who was a representative of the #timetochange campaign come into my lecture in the mental health module of my course, she was introduced as a professional and not someone with a mental health condition who had used services herself. I heard all these amazing things she had done in her career, to be honest, its a career I could only dream of and then we were told details of her mental health conditions and the depth of how serious they were.

I was shocked, but i wasn’t shocked she was able to do this amazing job with a mental health condition I was shocked she chose to due to the nature of the parallels her mental health had with her job I can’t go into detail about what her job was but all I will say is that her colleagues also ended up being here care providers while during the times she was servilely unwell and then she would go back to work with them when she was better. I just sat there in shock that she was one brave enough to do that and not scared of stigma and two had the self-confidence that she was able to do the job with the confidence that she was still an equal to her colleagues. Questions about stigma and confidence in her abilities as a practitioner were brought up by my peers in the lecture and her replies just gave me a new outlook on my abilities both professionally and personally such as hobbies like blogging. She said:

” my mental health is part of me but its not all of me it also gives me a different outlook on the way I look at things which are a strength, it also helps me relate to people with mental health issues but I know that I can still treat them because everyone condition is different and I’m here today telling you all this to break the stigma so you can see that everyone with mental health is an individual and shouldn’t just be seen as their mental health”

This amazing lady made me realise that my blogs won’t be like the other amazing peoples in this community if I do blog and if I can’t blog when I’m ill that doesn’t mean I’m less brave them then cause I might have things in life that they can’t do while they are struggling with their mental health due to our individuality as people.

So lastly before I end this ramble I realise this post has been a bit jumpy that’s because I’ve had to miss out details and not to say how it affected my personal feeling for my fears of my abilities in my career and instead stick to how it helped with blogging because of privacy issues. but i hope i got the point across that if you have mental health issues or no someone who does don’t compare yourself to others don’t put yourself down don’t stigmatise yourself by seeing yourself as your mental health condition instead see yourself as an individual with a mental health condition who still has personality and invalid strengths and weaknesses and have confidence in yourself.

Thank you so much for reading I hope to post again soon!

Courtney

 

The power of loneliness

lonellyness

Hi lovely person who keeps reading even though my contents been rubbish lately! I  f you have read my last two posts ( mental health update! + what I did when i went home to help my mental health you will know i have been struggling with my mental health. Well im slightly ashamed to say over the last week that has led me to make some decisions i’m not proud of, letting  people back into my life who don’t deserve it and possibly getting back into a relationship with one of them. I just did this cause i felt so worthless and almost grateful that they would even want to talk to someone like me if i’m honest… oh god this got more honest than i thought i would.

I wasn’t even expecting to write this post, but something just happened that made me snap out of it a bit! So i thought id share as the aim of my blog is mental health awareness so i might help someone else who’s feeling like this who knows?!

So what happened is i told my room mate what i was planning to do, he said nothing but ok he didn’t need to say anything else the look on his face told me something was wrong he looked heartbroken. My anxiety brain switched straight to thoughts like have i done something to upset him? Has he heard negative stuff about this other guy? But when i asked him what the matter was, “he said i don’t want to ever see you hurt you deserve so much better someone you like and gives a shit about you.”

In that moment i knew i had someone who gave a shit. Yes he may not be someone who makes me feel like the only girl in the word or someone to cuddle at night but their just words and easy actions anyone can do. That look on his face you cant fake.

I felt truly cared about and liked by someone and i’m sure everyone does if not more than 1 person i mean i have my family as well but i kind of feel like they have to care. What i’m trying to say is know your own self worth know that you are amazing and only keep the people who can see that to in your life because people you just let in because your feeling lonely will help temporarily, but more than often will end up making you feel worse.

 

what I did when i went home to help my mental health

Hi everyone, first of all thank you for the on my last post where I explained that i’m having a difficult time with my social anxiety.  ( previous post here ) In the post i said to try and help me clear my mind i was planning to go home to relax from the pressure there is to socialise that there is in uni. I know a lot of people struggle with winding down so i thought i do a post about what I did.

First of as soon as i wheeled through the door i got a hug from my mum and an insult from my little brother  i was officially home, it was also just lovely to catch up see if everyone in the family is ok and then catch up on the pointless family gossip everyone has.   After that my dad brought us a Chinese takeaway you have no idea how happy this made me i have just a simple sweet and sour chicken balls and chips but for someone who’s been eating mainly pasta at uni the flavoring and the fat was just food heaven. my family even said i looked like i had been in i’m a celeb i eat it so fast! This was one of the reasons i knew i could relax at home for one i don’t have to cook or wash up which is very hard to do and tiring because of my cerebral palsy but i also wont get judged for how i eat or if i have a hand spasm and drop some food on the floor.

Now that i had stuffed my face i went to do something i had been dying to do for weeks, listen to Nathan Sykes album unfinished business full blast with headphones on. I hadn’t been able to do this at uni because my laptop there doesent have a jack to plug in the headphones but i knew it would help cause music is a big distraction for me as it takes my mind of things and im huge fan of Nathans so i can just fan girl as well.

I spent the rest of my time carry on catching up with family playing rubbish but addictive apps and binging on gavin and stacy.

I wouldn’t say my time at home has completely cured the problem i was having cause i still haven’t left the flat since ive been back but i definitely feel less overwhelmed by my situation and like ill never go out again and a failure, Ive never really believed in self care but it turns out my favorite food family and favorite tv really can help.

If anyone relates to this or has an self care tips comment below 🙂

 

mental health update!

hi everyone firstly i apologise for the lack of posts, i was just starting to get regular readers then i stop posting *well done Courtney*  the reason for the lack of posts however is over the last two weeks my mental health state had decreased.

For those of you who don’t know I have social anxiety, (which is why the blogs called what it is) i noticed my worries getting worse as in just a bit more cautious  with things like going to the uni library on my own about a week ago but i had only just managed to do this in the last month anyway because of fears of being intimidated in a silent place of being judged for being on my own so because it was a new thing for me i put it down to being a fluke or something like that, which looking back now is just putting my self down without even realising it.   Other things that have been different is i had no passion to do anything essays  blog posting and for me this was unusual cause  i love blogging and im so passionate about my course I had no reason for this lack of wanting to do things apart from it will be rubbish anyway which to be honest is a normal thing i tell myself on a daily basis but i normally manage to do it anyway.

I finally came to the realisation that i had hit a bad patch in terms of mental health when i was getting really irritable one night i had a go at my poor mum down the phone and she did absolutely  nothing wrong. Once i put the phone down i felt awful and went to my flatmate “why am i such a horrible person” her reply was “apart from lectures you haven’t been out of the house in 3 weeks, shall we go out for dinner”   i hadent even realised that i hadent been out but a soon as she mentioned going out i was just struck with fear my heart raced, i was shaking and i couldn’t even think of excuses not to go out which im normally pretty good at if im having an anxious day.

These symptoms of not even realising im struggling are new for me cause i normally overthink overthink everything. im not quite sure what im going to do but im going home for a bit tommorow to see if a bit of tlc from my family will work.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble post but if anyone has had this type of thing id love some advice and if anyone is struggling as always get in touch with me (links on the contact page)

Halloween- A time of heighten anxiety for me

halloween-pumpkin-16131777

Halloween is painted as the time of year that’s fun and exciting for children and an excuse to be wild, unique and let’s be honest a different type of “fun” for teenagers. As young child I did look at it like this, through a child’s eyes it was a magical time; when I did really think I turned into a witch (i don’t know if I had a really vivid imagination or it was my mum watching charmed that made me believe I could be a witch) but because I did I felt like I was a character and looked forward to being able to do that every year. However at about the age of about 9 eventually I came to the realisation that I was still just me but in an outfit. At the age of 9, I had no clue why this made me uncomfortable as I didn’t know social norms or anything about mental health but still remember so vividly feeling so uneasy about the fact that people were giving me more attention than I normally would get because of what I was wearing. The thought of judgement didn’t even come into my head because I hadn’t fully developed that concept in my mind yet. All I knew was i did not like the attention one bit!

Over the next couple of years, I would not take part in Halloween activity’s just to avoid the attention it came with. This tacit to control my anxiety around Halloween worked well until I got to the point where I hit secondary school and everyone was having Halloween themed parties and trickle treating. Not that I got invited to many parties but I did once and I just didn’t go because not only would I be getting attention by going to a party in costume and now was in secondary school fully aware of what judgement was and I was feeling what I now know to be social anxiety. The invite brought up so many things in my head that could lead to judgements that I just didn’t go. Questions such as what if my costume doesn’t look scary enough? What if it looks too childish ? What if I look anxious and people think it’s because I’m scared of some silly costumes and decorations when really I’m anxious about what their thinking of me? They will try to scare me ill jump even if I’m not scared cause of my nerve damage due to my disability and then I just look like a massive idiot? Even though when I think about it logically I realise most of the answers to the questions above are they won’t I still a week ago had the same questions and worries pop into my head when I heard there is a Halloween party at my uni that I’m unfortunately to anxious to go to.

One Halloween tradition I didn’t turn down and have tried is trickle treating at the age of 13. I was more excited for this at first because even though I was 13 I hadn’t been allowed out to do it before cause mum thought it would be too dangerous for a group of teenagers hyped up on sugar to push my wheelchair in pitch black. (at the time I thought this was highly unfair looking back now and seeing how many times I was nearly tipped out because of a pot hole or narrow path she was crazy to even let me do it even at 13) But back to the point of the trickle treating story and probably the point of the whole post as it was while doing this I figured out why Halloween made me so uncomfortable. I remember feeling rude knocking on people’s doors asking for sweets, thinking it’s not on a normal thing to do I’ve been to friends houses repeatedly and would never ask for anything I’d wait to be offered so how was it ok and not rude or wrong to go up to strangers demanding sweets? I also remember not knowing how to gauge these people’s reactions some would be miserable and just shove the bowl in our faces others would spray us with water. I remember the anticipation of the reaction of the person behind the door was going to be sending my heart racing.

Now at the age of 19, i can analyse all these thoughts and feelings I have around Halloween and no why they make me feel like this, well as good as any non-trained professionals can anyway. As a person with diagnosed social anxiety, the social norms that I had learned to use to protect myself from being judged or looking stupid were gone I just had to do what I felt right or wanted to do in the situation at that time which left me feeling vulnerable and in all honesty terrified.

So to anyone celebrating Halloween, this year do have fun cause I’m sure it’s a great day and I know your right and it is just a bit of fun and it’s my anxiety riddled brain that’s creating these problems but please just be aware that people around you might be feeling like I do on Halloween.

Wow, that was kind of like theraphy, in the end, thanks if you made it to the very end of this post it was a long one. And as always any experiences you wanted to tell me or questions to ask please comment below or tweet me.

Courtney x

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2016 mental health day compared to 2015, what a diffrence a year makes

First of all so for the lack of post, far too many reasons for it to explain but i couldn’t let mental health awareness day go past without acknowledging it.  So yesterday the 10th of October was mental health awareness day which caused me to sit back and reflect on my own mental state which i try and do as little as possible cause overthinking about myself is a massive trigger for me.  But i was pleasantly surprised by what i discovered if i think back to the post i wrote for mental health awareness day 2015 on my old blog you’d think it was a different person writing it, i was crying as i wrote for a start! I just felt like i was forever going to be stuck in my room to anxious to ever leave there and forever thinking i’m not good enough. Now im writing this post 2& a half hours away from my bedroom in my new home, training to be in a very high pressured career. obviously its taken a lot of hard work that i haven’t documented online to get to this point and i still have social anxiety, i’m even getting anxious writing this now thinking everyone reading this is going  to think im full of myself or bragging.

Im not bragging but i wanted to do this post cause it made me happy when i used to read peoples improvements posts, but i also used to be slightly annoyed when they didnt tell me how they had achieved it cause i wanted to get better so badly. So ill tell you reading this but with a note of caution doing this will not work for everyone and may even trigger some people. 

So how i think i got slightly better was i turned my triggers into a strength so my brain is always active over analyses and overthinking normal about situations that i have done something stupid in or thinking someone doesn’t like me. So now when that happens i turn that overthinking into not thinking about myself but thinking about a topic within society like sociology philosophy or psychology and i write an essay on it and that thinking about other topics at the end of it puts my anxious thoughts into prospective. I know my version is incredible geeky and this is very personal to me but what i suggest is find what triggers you and what happens to you during that bad mental health spell and put that energy into something that loosely related to it but twist it  to be positive.

But obviously this doesn’t work in every situation just last night i had to come home from a party cause i was anxious and i really didn’t think it would be appropriate to start writing an essay in that setting!

Do you have any tips on how you improved your mental health if you do please share them in the comments or tweet them me @mrssykeswannabe, with the hashtag mentalhealthawaress

Everyone’s mental health recovery is unique 

Last night I  took part in my first mental health chat on twitter. (#MHchat) What was a very positive experience and left me personally feeling supported was tarnished by a few ignorant comments such as “people should stop banging on about mental health ” and the very noticeably  ignorant  comment “just go for a walk to cure mental health” which shock horror doesnt work! Anyway before I start ranting about the people who made the comments I’ll stop talking about them and move on to the reason I’m writing this post.

During the chat I saw three reoccurring questions and topics being talked about these were:  How they were scared /unsure how to get treatment? If they needed treatment? What kind of treatment to choose? So as I started this blog to help people I thought I’d do by best to give advice and reassure people on those issues because I know from myself if someone like the people on twitter belittle mental health issues it can make you even more unsure of your own very REAL  problems your  going through. But please don’t listen to them and listen to people who understand and want to help you. But PEP talk over and onto giving that help by trying to answer  the 3 questions I mentioned earlier.

  • Scared to get treatment and unsure how to?


Many people are scared to get treatment for mental health problems due to the negative stereotypes relating to the type of people who get mental health treatment, and the negative connotations to the treatment itself. All I can say is people judge and make assumption on things they don’t understand. I know from personal experience it can be very hard to rationalize in your head that people are saying unhelpful  and sometimes very mean things about mental health or your personal mental health because they do not understand what you’re going through, because at a time where you feel your most vulnerable and insecure ignorance can be so damaging. But please do be brave enough and confident enough to seek treatment because if the reason you are not seeking treatment for your mental health is other people’s comments then in the long run your going to do more damage to your own health by not  getting treatment than any comment could! And of course all mental health treatment is confidential so even though it helps to have a support network when having treatment nobody even has to know your having any. On topic of how do you get mental health treatment I’m not medically trained so even though I have been through the process i would not want to give you misleading information so i will leave some links relating to UK mental health help at the bottom of this post.

  • Do I need treatment?

The thing I’d personally think about to answer this question is how much is your mental health effecting your happiness and daily life. Mental health is a subjective thing only you can feel and know what you’re going through no one can read minds so unless your showing physical signs of hurting yourself or others no one has the right to tell you if you should or should not get treatment. ( I know its controversial to say people have the right to send you to treatment if you self harm but that’s just my personal opinion) A common thing i see is people saying i dont think im unwell enough or desrve to get treatment. Well it doesnt matter if you look at your friend/family member and think well their mental health seems worse than mine so I don’t need treatment. This is not the case! First of all just like people can’t read your mind you cant read theirs, you might have exactly the same severity of mental health issues but their just more open to talk about it then you or they show more physical symptoms than you do and again you can see physical things not mental making it seem like they are more severe. But secondly so what if they are worse than you? Should  you not get the right to treatment to make you happy and live your life without the barriers that mental health brings just cause somebody else has it worse? Of course you should still get treatment you only get one life and that life is yours no one elses so you owe to yourself to be as happy and do as many things as you want to in your life. So to sum up you need treatment if you feel your personal quality of life could be improved by having it.

  • What kind of treatment should I have? 

To a certain extent this is again your choice. I’ve seen lots of people say that drugs make them feel numb or CBT didn’t work for them or relaxation and breathing therapy didnt work for them ( I tried the relaxation approach it didnt work for me ) but try at first at least to ignore other people’s opinions on treatments and listen to the professionals  because like i said mental health is subjective it  might not have worked for them but may work for you. However if you try the treatment plan suggested by a medical profesional  and it isn’t working for you i would always suggest telling them or getting a second opinion because as i said they will be medically trained so have a good idea how to treat your condition but mental health is so personal and subjective that only you know if you are improving or not. About the types of medical  treatment again i am not a trained professional so i will make sure the links i leave below explain them for you.

That’s all the questions i wanted to answer. Thank you so much for reading. I am being a complete hypocrite here because if someone has made negative comments to be about my mental health i would never have been able to say the things i have said to you to myself! I hope one day the ignorance sounding mental health can stop i didn’t want to go into too much detail bout what happened on twitter because i didnt want them to get anymore attention so instead i thought id piss them off by banging on about mental health even more while trying to help people in the process as always leave what you think in the comments. Tweet me or dm if you want to chat at anytime my username is @mrssykeswannabe

nhs pages : how to acsess nhs mental health services

a list of mh disorders for more info

non medical support: young minds a site with mh info for children and teens

childline free confidential support for anyone under the age of 19

samaritans free confidential help for adults

mind a charity providing mh support and info

 

Courtney

A whole lot of questions tag

So the time has come my first tag post, i was nominated to do this by the lovely Courtney (another Courtney i haven’t nominated myself) The tag is as it sounds just a whole load of questions and as this is a new blog i thought it would be a good tag to do to get to know more about me. So let’s get started..

Apple juice or orange juice?

Apple juice, orange is far to harsh for the morning time and you know there is the issue of bits.

Are you a morning or a night person?

100% a night person! I think id go as far to say i sleep in the daytime not at night which sadly will need to change when summer ends.

Which do you prefer sweet or salty food?

Definitely sweet.

Ninja’s or Pirates?

Ninjas, who wouldn’t want to be fast and mysterious?!

Autobots or decepticons?

I’ve googled this as I had no idea what is and as i had to google it i really don’t think i can have a preference haha.

What was your favorite childhood TV program?

Thats so Raven. At the time i just loved all the characters and found it funny but now i see how it actually promoted equality to kids in the form of race and sizing, can Disney channel please start doing that again please! Plus the theme tune was so good.

Are you a collector of anything?

When i was younger i used to collect charity badges.

If you could be an animal, what would it be?

A cat as its unsociable moody but still wants to be loved.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

The power to fly, and well as i’m a wheelchair user the reason id choose that power is pretty obvious.

What do you normally think about before you go to sleep?

There is no in-between here its either daydreaming about the nicest things my ultimate dreams and goals coming true. Or overthink ever stupid/bad thing that’s ever happened in my life and thinking of everything that could go wrong in the future. But either way there both not ideal as they both keep me awake!

Do you believe in E.T or life on other planets?

I don’t i just think we will have seen something by now if there is.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t know i usually only believe in things like this when i can see them so i would have said no, but the other day i was getting upset and wanted to talk to a close friend of mine that has died. My phone suddenly flashed open to my screensaver of her, i checked and i know text messages come through no notifications on any apps ( i checked them all) and nothing needed updating and the battery was fine. I have never believed in them but honestly i have no other explanation apart from it being her doing.

Have you ever been addicted to a video/computer game? (which ones?)

Crash bandicoot the cortex one was basically my childhood and id still play it now if i could #noshame haha

You’re given a million dollars, what do you want to spend it on?

  • id give some back back to the NHS (UK heath system) as i wouldn’t be here without them today.
  • My dads a builder so id by some land and we would build a fully accessible house adapted to my needs and make sure a pool was included.
  • And lastly do some traveling round america and I’ve always wanted to go to Italy.

Any bad habits?

Biting my nails

Which bad habits (if any) drive you crazy?

  • loud chewing
  • gulping
  • bad manners
  • whistling

List 3 of your best personality traits?

I would say: determined, thoughtful and loyal.

List 3 of your worst personality traits?

I overthink everything, stubborn and i let other peoples opinions cloud my own judgement.

Any celeb crushes?

Nathan Sykes (crush/ completely adore the guy haha)

Name one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish i didn’t have epilepsy and the short answer to why is i have a lot of disabilities but this one interferes with my life the most and well I could only change one thing!

Whats the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

Their height cause im so short being sat down all the time in a wheelchair its very noticeably awkward if a guy is like 6ft+ and i’m 4ft 5 .

What personality traits do you look for in a partner?

  • Ambition
  • Amazing sense of humor
  • Gentlemanly manners
  • Thoughtful
  • Introverted like me but still pushes me to do new things once in a while
  • Family orientated
  • Treats everyone as equals

so if anyone knows anyone like that um let me know please 😉

What personality traits do you dislike in others?

  • The feeling of self importance
  • Immaturity
  • Non appreciative
  • Rudeness

Are you mostly a clean or messy person?

Both in different ways. Im messy in like in a clutter and stuff kind of way but im clean in hygiene sense cause i have a fear of germ so every time i touch that stuff i cant be bothered to move i get the anti bacterial gel out. Yer being lazy and afraid of germs is a strange and difficult mix has you can see.

Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?

No but purely because i’m single right now. But even though at the most id only be 24 in 5 years, id never base my answer to a proposal on the age i am when its right its right. Honestly made that answer up as i as typing it what a romantic i am haha!

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

I wouldent want to live anywhere but the UK such a homley person.

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Italy

List 5 life goals on your to do list?

  • Become a qualified social worker
  • Buy my dream house
  • Be happily in love
  • D0 something in the memory of Rhi ( the friend that died mentioned eairlier)
  • Have a child

Name one thing you regret?

Not returning feelings i had for someone even though i had them and that resulted in me loosing them. Yer i dont think im going to go into more detail in this one haha

Name one thing you miss about being a kid?

No responsibility for sure i took for granted all the stuff my mum just did for me!

Name one thing you love about being an adult?

This has only really started to happen in the last few month but im so much sure of who i am, my own morals and opinions and im becoming confident in that. so I hope that develops cause it would be fun to see if they change overtime and where them thoughts and feelings can take me.

Whats your favorite song at the moment?

Its old but I’ve just discovered it, Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware

Whats your favorite song of all time?

Living Louder- The Cab

Whats your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

Go out for a meal with friends.

Whats your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon ?

Visit my grandparents

Do you have any talents?

Nope i’m completely talent-less.

You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have for your last meal?

Oh god how do you choose this…. after a long time thinking im going to have to go with my granny’s home cooked roast with a New York cheesecake for pudding.

What is your dream job?

I have two that id like to both my dream would be to host a breakfast radio show then for the rest of the day be a social worker. Kind of opposite jobs i dont think they would mix very well sadly .

Would you rather have 100 million pounds/dollars or true love?

True love

If you could have 3 wishes granted what would they be?

  • For everyone i love to be healthy meaning they would stay/still be in my life.
  • To not have epilepsy.
  • To get a second chance to repair a relationship that my anxiety got in the way of.

Ever wish you were born the opposite sex, if so why?

Yes about once every month. I don’t really think that needs an explanation!

what an answer to end on haha,

thanks again Courtney for the nomination i don’t know who has or hasn’t done it so i wont nominate but if you want to do it do it and id love to read them so send me links in the comments or on my twitter @mrssykeswannabe 🙂

Thoughts everyone with social anxiety will have going back to school

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This year is the first year  I haven’t spent the first weekend of September a crying and shaking mess, as its the first year im not going back to school (im offically a grown up yay!) But i’ve been seeing on twitter that a lot of people who follow me are feeling like this  so i thought  i’d let you know you’re not alone by sharing what i used to think and sharing advice on the topic
So here were my main anxious thoughts when going back to school:

  1.  Nobody would want to speak to me and id be sat all on my own at break and lunch times.
  2. There would be nobody in my new classes that id like or get on with and id be left out of all group participation.
  3. Because I didn’t go out with the others during the summer due to social anxiety they would think i was rude and boring and id be out of the friendship group.
  4. Id have a panic attack going through the nightmare of a corridor crush.
  5. That one piece of home work I hadent done would be the end of the world give me a detention and being the good girl i am i used to dread detention.

Now more than likely this thoughts are completely untrue your friends will be glad to see you again and going back to school will be a lot easier than you think.  But if you do find your self in some of these situations above here is my advice to deal with them.

  • If you do find no where to sit and have to sit on your try not to over think it and think what over people will be  thinking of you for doing that.
  • If you have a field you’re aloud to sit on at break and lunch times sit there as there are no specfic seats so it wont be obvious to anyone that your sitting on your own because there are no seats or anyone to sit with, you will just be seen as having a chill out time on your own by choice.
  • Nobody can choose what classes there put into everybody is in the same boat hear this is out of your hands try not to worry and the good thing is if your not with your mates you might actually get some work done!
  • Some people have panic attacks its nothing you can control which is the scariest part of it i know but i just want to point that out so you dont blame yourself.
  • To reduce the likleyhood of a panic attack heres a few things you can do: learn diffrent/quieter ways for you to get where you nees to go.  If you dont mind your condition being know by those around you, you couuld speak to the school about being aloud to and from classes early so you avoid the crush of people. Try your best to rationalize your thoughts, yes its busy and people are touching you/getting aggitated but the reason for this is not because they want to hurt you or there annoyed with you its cause everyone annoyed at how little space there is in the corridoor and there only touching you cause they physically have to.
  • As for homework if you dont do it cause your lazy i have no symphaty but if you are generally are stuck teachers can normally tell and understand the best thing to do is go and speak to  them before class or in future email them its not that scary i promise and if they have what you have said in writing your less likley to be accused of just being lazy and not doing it.
  • And just one last piece of advice everything on that list of worries did happen to me sereval times it felt like the complete end of the world at the time. Now i still get upset that i missed out on school being “the best time of your life” like everyone says but i really dont care what anyone said or thought about me. So if anything bad happens speak to your parents school or friends no matter how small because overthinking and not talking about a problem creates more aneixty and can make it feel like the biggest thing in the word .

also as allways please comment below your ecxpirences/feelings on this or if you need someone to talk to privatly dm on twitter @mrssykeswannabe

Courtney

 

Words have an impact please be careful how you use them

I haven’t had the best day today mental health wise, I went shopping in a big center in and due to the social anxiety i have i was already very nervous, constantly thinking everyone that couldn’t get passed my wheelchair was just judging me and hating the fact i was even there.   I have social anxiety in the form of i’m worried about saying the wrong thing, making a fool of myself or being judged, when i say judged i don’t mean my appearance i couldn’t care less i just go out in jeans t shirt and no make up everyday. What I worry about is how people perceive my character and actions, i pride myself on being a good person so for people to think or judge any personality flaw i have hurts me which is stupid because everyone has personality flaws i know!

So now  I’ve done the back ground ill go into what made me want to write the post, this might be a bit hard cause i’m trying to be discrete about who was involved and what the thing that upset was specifically about which i know wont make the most gripping of posts but I hope ill still get my point across.

While i was shopping with these people who are very close to me they made a comment about a hypothetical thing im going to do and said i would be embarrassing, this wasn’t a silly little sing like just embarrassing dancing, this was a normal human interaction that is what i struggle with and they said the word embarrassing. Just one word made me think about my actions all day for the rest of the day i went over past interactions of the same type in my head in the end i just got so anxious and worked up i cried. The people’s reactions to me where “oh we have hit a nerve!” Yes you hit a nerve and the worst part of it is you no me well enough to know my insecurities and to know that would hit a nerve and i think thats what angered me. Any form of mental health issues in individual to each person the things that trigger the same condition can vary from person to person so of course i’m not going to be super sensitive if a stranger says a comment that makes me anxious i mean don’t get  me wrong ill still overthink it but i wont be angry or take it to heart as much.

The whole situation got me thinking how words can come see easily but be have such an affect on someone. So be careful and kind with your words in every case but if you know somebody with a mental health issue learn their triggers and if there comfortable talking about it talk to them about the kind of things that can be said and how it makes them feel. This will do two things, one your less likely to trigger them in the future and two you can tell them that you dont see them in the light they clearly see themselves and talk to them how there feeling. If they are comfortable doing this then you making that effort will mean so much to them.

Have you had any the experience i had when someone has worded things in a way that effected you? or hopefully have had the experience where people have took time learn about and help you? i’d love to hear about them tweet me @mrssykeswannabe or leave comments down below.

Courtney