Hospital visits & family time

Hi lovely people who read this… i’m getting followers and readers and not really posting i’m grateful for you all!

Anyway time to start the post, i don’t really know how to define the point of this one i would call it a life update but nothing really gone on in my life to justify calling it an update so more of catch up of what i’m up to at the moment.

Well on Thursday night i made my first visit to Chichester hospital i had to try it out at sometime didn’t I, I mean id gone 3 weeks fending for myself at uni without no hospital visit i was quite proud of that. I was really worried actually jokes aside because i called out the first responder thinking oh ill just get checked out cause flatmates slightly worried and im feeling slightly crap then ill have peace of mind that im fine. But know he came took one look at my purple hands and feet felt my fast heart rate and checked my low blood pressure i was going to hospital at this point i went from feeling crap to thinking oh crap. But that panic was slightly lessened by  the caring and warm welcome i had from the a&e staff and well the slightly dishy guy they put me in the bay next to but he was with his dad and mates so there was no way i was talking to him so no update on the love life front yet soz guys. I got away from the topic a bit there by talking about the cute guy in a&e time to get back on topic! So the verdict on whats wrong with me is maybe kidney stones or woman’s problems im going for a couple of scans to find out. Even though its painful i’m hoping it kidney stones because even though its painful woman’s problems are just complicated and take ages to treat!  And well i’m a Friends geek and whenever i hear kidney stones i just see this in my  head… kidney-stones

In happier news I’ve come home for some family time to celebrate my little (not so little anymore) brothers 15th birthday. Its been lovely being home there is definitely a different happiness that your family can give you to your friends catching up with everyone’s been really nice. Also there’s the home cooked food thats just wow when you have been having microwave meals is just mind blowing! My granny made the whole family a huge Sunday roast and i was going to be a good artistic blogger and take a picture of it but i couldn’t wait to stuff it down my gob if im honest.

So that is all from me, health updates, family time and probably by the time i go back to uni an update about how much weight I’ve put on from the amount of food I’ve eaten! I have never really done just a chatty life post before so if you like this kind of thing from me please tell me in the comments below. Again thanks for reading 🙂

Courtney x


2016 mental health day compared to 2015, what a diffrence a year makes

First of all so for the lack of post, far too many reasons for it to explain but i couldn’t let mental health awareness day go past without acknowledging it.  So yesterday the 10th of October was mental health awareness day which caused me to sit back and reflect on my own mental state which i try and do as little as possible cause overthinking about myself is a massive trigger for me.  But i was pleasantly surprised by what i discovered if i think back to the post i wrote for mental health awareness day 2015 on my old blog you’d think it was a different person writing it, i was crying as i wrote for a start! I just felt like i was forever going to be stuck in my room to anxious to ever leave there and forever thinking i’m not good enough. Now im writing this post 2& a half hours away from my bedroom in my new home, training to be in a very high pressured career. obviously its taken a lot of hard work that i haven’t documented online to get to this point and i still have social anxiety, i’m even getting anxious writing this now thinking everyone reading this is going  to think im full of myself or bragging.

Im not bragging but i wanted to do this post cause it made me happy when i used to read peoples improvements posts, but i also used to be slightly annoyed when they didnt tell me how they had achieved it cause i wanted to get better so badly. So ill tell you reading this but with a note of caution doing this will not work for everyone and may even trigger some people. 

So how i think i got slightly better was i turned my triggers into a strength so my brain is always active over analyses and overthinking normal about situations that i have done something stupid in or thinking someone doesn’t like me. So now when that happens i turn that overthinking into not thinking about myself but thinking about a topic within society like sociology philosophy or psychology and i write an essay on it and that thinking about other topics at the end of it puts my anxious thoughts into prospective. I know my version is incredible geeky and this is very personal to me but what i suggest is find what triggers you and what happens to you during that bad mental health spell and put that energy into something that loosely related to it but twist it  to be positive.

But obviously this doesn’t work in every situation just last night i had to come home from a party cause i was anxious and i really didn’t think it would be appropriate to start writing an essay in that setting!

Do you have any tips on how you improved your mental health if you do please share them in the comments or tweet them me @mrssykeswannabe, with the hashtag mentalhealthawaress

Everyone’s mental health recovery is unique 

Last night I  took part in my first mental health chat on twitter. (#MHchat) What was a very positive experience and left me personally feeling supported was tarnished by a few ignorant comments such as “people should stop banging on about mental health ” and the very noticeably  ignorant  comment “just go for a walk to cure mental health” which shock horror doesnt work! Anyway before I start ranting about the people who made the comments I’ll stop talking about them and move on to the reason I’m writing this post.

During the chat I saw three reoccurring questions and topics being talked about these were:  How they were scared /unsure how to get treatment? If they needed treatment? What kind of treatment to choose? So as I started this blog to help people I thought I’d do by best to give advice and reassure people on those issues because I know from myself if someone like the people on twitter belittle mental health issues it can make you even more unsure of your own very REAL  problems your  going through. But please don’t listen to them and listen to people who understand and want to help you. But PEP talk over and onto giving that help by trying to answer  the 3 questions I mentioned earlier.

  • Scared to get treatment and unsure how to?

Many people are scared to get treatment for mental health problems due to the negative stereotypes relating to the type of people who get mental health treatment, and the negative connotations to the treatment itself. All I can say is people judge and make assumption on things they don’t understand. I know from personal experience it can be very hard to rationalize in your head that people are saying unhelpful  and sometimes very mean things about mental health or your personal mental health because they do not understand what you’re going through, because at a time where you feel your most vulnerable and insecure ignorance can be so damaging. But please do be brave enough and confident enough to seek treatment because if the reason you are not seeking treatment for your mental health is other people’s comments then in the long run your going to do more damage to your own health by not  getting treatment than any comment could! And of course all mental health treatment is confidential so even though it helps to have a support network when having treatment nobody even has to know your having any. On topic of how do you get mental health treatment I’m not medically trained so even though I have been through the process i would not want to give you misleading information so i will leave some links relating to UK mental health help at the bottom of this post.

  • Do I need treatment?

The thing I’d personally think about to answer this question is how much is your mental health effecting your happiness and daily life. Mental health is a subjective thing only you can feel and know what you’re going through no one can read minds so unless your showing physical signs of hurting yourself or others no one has the right to tell you if you should or should not get treatment. ( I know its controversial to say people have the right to send you to treatment if you self harm but that’s just my personal opinion) A common thing i see is people saying i dont think im unwell enough or desrve to get treatment. Well it doesnt matter if you look at your friend/family member and think well their mental health seems worse than mine so I don’t need treatment. This is not the case! First of all just like people can’t read your mind you cant read theirs, you might have exactly the same severity of mental health issues but their just more open to talk about it then you or they show more physical symptoms than you do and again you can see physical things not mental making it seem like they are more severe. But secondly so what if they are worse than you? Should  you not get the right to treatment to make you happy and live your life without the barriers that mental health brings just cause somebody else has it worse? Of course you should still get treatment you only get one life and that life is yours no one elses so you owe to yourself to be as happy and do as many things as you want to in your life. So to sum up you need treatment if you feel your personal quality of life could be improved by having it.

  • What kind of treatment should I have? 

To a certain extent this is again your choice. I’ve seen lots of people say that drugs make them feel numb or CBT didn’t work for them or relaxation and breathing therapy didnt work for them ( I tried the relaxation approach it didnt work for me ) but try at first at least to ignore other people’s opinions on treatments and listen to the professionals  because like i said mental health is subjective it  might not have worked for them but may work for you. However if you try the treatment plan suggested by a medical profesional  and it isn’t working for you i would always suggest telling them or getting a second opinion because as i said they will be medically trained so have a good idea how to treat your condition but mental health is so personal and subjective that only you know if you are improving or not. About the types of medical  treatment again i am not a trained professional so i will make sure the links i leave below explain them for you.

That’s all the questions i wanted to answer. Thank you so much for reading. I am being a complete hypocrite here because if someone has made negative comments to be about my mental health i would never have been able to say the things i have said to you to myself! I hope one day the ignorance sounding mental health can stop i didn’t want to go into too much detail bout what happened on twitter because i didnt want them to get anymore attention so instead i thought id piss them off by banging on about mental health even more while trying to help people in the process as always leave what you think in the comments. Tweet me or dm if you want to chat at anytime my username is @mrssykeswannabe

nhs pages : how to acsess nhs mental health services

a list of mh disorders for more info

non medical support: young minds a site with mh info for children and teens

childline free confidential support for anyone under the age of 19

samaritans free confidential help for adults

mind a charity providing mh support and info



A whole lot of questions tag

So the time has come my first tag post, i was nominated to do this by the lovely Courtney (another Courtney i haven’t nominated myself) The tag is as it sounds just a whole load of questions and as this is a new blog i thought it would be a good tag to do to get to know more about me. So let’s get started..

Apple juice or orange juice?

Apple juice, orange is far to harsh for the morning time and you know there is the issue of bits.

Are you a morning or a night person?

100% a night person! I think id go as far to say i sleep in the daytime not at night which sadly will need to change when summer ends.

Which do you prefer sweet or salty food?

Definitely sweet.

Ninja’s or Pirates?

Ninjas, who wouldn’t want to be fast and mysterious?!

Autobots or decepticons?

I’ve googled this as I had no idea what is and as i had to google it i really don’t think i can have a preference haha.

What was your favorite childhood TV program?

Thats so Raven. At the time i just loved all the characters and found it funny but now i see how it actually promoted equality to kids in the form of race and sizing, can Disney channel please start doing that again please! Plus the theme tune was so good.

Are you a collector of anything?

When i was younger i used to collect charity badges.

If you could be an animal, what would it be?

A cat as its unsociable moody but still wants to be loved.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

The power to fly, and well as i’m a wheelchair user the reason id choose that power is pretty obvious.

What do you normally think about before you go to sleep?

There is no in-between here its either daydreaming about the nicest things my ultimate dreams and goals coming true. Or overthink ever stupid/bad thing that’s ever happened in my life and thinking of everything that could go wrong in the future. But either way there both not ideal as they both keep me awake!

Do you believe in E.T or life on other planets?

I don’t i just think we will have seen something by now if there is.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t know i usually only believe in things like this when i can see them so i would have said no, but the other day i was getting upset and wanted to talk to a close friend of mine that has died. My phone suddenly flashed open to my screensaver of her, i checked and i know text messages come through no notifications on any apps ( i checked them all) and nothing needed updating and the battery was fine. I have never believed in them but honestly i have no other explanation apart from it being her doing.

Have you ever been addicted to a video/computer game? (which ones?)

Crash bandicoot the cortex one was basically my childhood and id still play it now if i could #noshame haha

You’re given a million dollars, what do you want to spend it on?

  • id give some back back to the NHS (UK heath system) as i wouldn’t be here without them today.
  • My dads a builder so id by some land and we would build a fully accessible house adapted to my needs and make sure a pool was included.
  • And lastly do some traveling round america and I’ve always wanted to go to Italy.

Any bad habits?

Biting my nails

Which bad habits (if any) drive you crazy?

  • loud chewing
  • gulping
  • bad manners
  • whistling

List 3 of your best personality traits?

I would say: determined, thoughtful and loyal.

List 3 of your worst personality traits?

I overthink everything, stubborn and i let other peoples opinions cloud my own judgement.

Any celeb crushes?

Nathan Sykes (crush/ completely adore the guy haha)

Name one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish i didn’t have epilepsy and the short answer to why is i have a lot of disabilities but this one interferes with my life the most and well I could only change one thing!

Whats the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

Their height cause im so short being sat down all the time in a wheelchair its very noticeably awkward if a guy is like 6ft+ and i’m 4ft 5 .

What personality traits do you look for in a partner?

  • Ambition
  • Amazing sense of humor
  • Gentlemanly manners
  • Thoughtful
  • Introverted like me but still pushes me to do new things once in a while
  • Family orientated
  • Treats everyone as equals

so if anyone knows anyone like that um let me know please 😉

What personality traits do you dislike in others?

  • The feeling of self importance
  • Immaturity
  • Non appreciative
  • Rudeness

Are you mostly a clean or messy person?

Both in different ways. Im messy in like in a clutter and stuff kind of way but im clean in hygiene sense cause i have a fear of germ so every time i touch that stuff i cant be bothered to move i get the anti bacterial gel out. Yer being lazy and afraid of germs is a strange and difficult mix has you can see.

Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?

No but purely because i’m single right now. But even though at the most id only be 24 in 5 years, id never base my answer to a proposal on the age i am when its right its right. Honestly made that answer up as i as typing it what a romantic i am haha!

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

I wouldent want to live anywhere but the UK such a homley person.

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?


List 5 life goals on your to do list?

  • Become a qualified social worker
  • Buy my dream house
  • Be happily in love
  • D0 something in the memory of Rhi ( the friend that died mentioned eairlier)
  • Have a child

Name one thing you regret?

Not returning feelings i had for someone even though i had them and that resulted in me loosing them. Yer i dont think im going to go into more detail in this one haha

Name one thing you miss about being a kid?

No responsibility for sure i took for granted all the stuff my mum just did for me!

Name one thing you love about being an adult?

This has only really started to happen in the last few month but im so much sure of who i am, my own morals and opinions and im becoming confident in that. so I hope that develops cause it would be fun to see if they change overtime and where them thoughts and feelings can take me.

Whats your favorite song at the moment?

Its old but I’ve just discovered it, Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware

Whats your favorite song of all time?

Living Louder- The Cab

Whats your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

Go out for a meal with friends.

Whats your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon ?

Visit my grandparents

Do you have any talents?

Nope i’m completely talent-less.

You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have for your last meal?

Oh god how do you choose this…. after a long time thinking im going to have to go with my granny’s home cooked roast with a New York cheesecake for pudding.

What is your dream job?

I have two that id like to both my dream would be to host a breakfast radio show then for the rest of the day be a social worker. Kind of opposite jobs i dont think they would mix very well sadly .

Would you rather have 100 million pounds/dollars or true love?

True love

If you could have 3 wishes granted what would they be?

  • For everyone i love to be healthy meaning they would stay/still be in my life.
  • To not have epilepsy.
  • To get a second chance to repair a relationship that my anxiety got in the way of.

Ever wish you were born the opposite sex, if so why?

Yes about once every month. I don’t really think that needs an explanation!

what an answer to end on haha,

thanks again Courtney for the nomination i don’t know who has or hasn’t done it so i wont nominate but if you want to do it do it and id love to read them so send me links in the comments or on my twitter @mrssykeswannabe 🙂

Thoughts everyone with social anxiety will have going back to school

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This year is the first year  I haven’t spent the first weekend of September a crying and shaking mess, as its the first year im not going back to school (im offically a grown up yay!) But i’ve been seeing on twitter that a lot of people who follow me are feeling like this  so i thought  i’d let you know you’re not alone by sharing what i used to think and sharing advice on the topic
So here were my main anxious thoughts when going back to school:

  1.  Nobody would want to speak to me and id be sat all on my own at break and lunch times.
  2. There would be nobody in my new classes that id like or get on with and id be left out of all group participation.
  3. Because I didn’t go out with the others during the summer due to social anxiety they would think i was rude and boring and id be out of the friendship group.
  4. Id have a panic attack going through the nightmare of a corridor crush.
  5. That one piece of home work I hadent done would be the end of the world give me a detention and being the good girl i am i used to dread detention.

Now more than likely this thoughts are completely untrue your friends will be glad to see you again and going back to school will be a lot easier than you think.  But if you do find your self in some of these situations above here is my advice to deal with them.

  • If you do find no where to sit and have to sit on your try not to over think it and think what over people will be  thinking of you for doing that.
  • If you have a field you’re aloud to sit on at break and lunch times sit there as there are no specfic seats so it wont be obvious to anyone that your sitting on your own because there are no seats or anyone to sit with, you will just be seen as having a chill out time on your own by choice.
  • Nobody can choose what classes there put into everybody is in the same boat hear this is out of your hands try not to worry and the good thing is if your not with your mates you might actually get some work done!
  • Some people have panic attacks its nothing you can control which is the scariest part of it i know but i just want to point that out so you dont blame yourself.
  • To reduce the likleyhood of a panic attack heres a few things you can do: learn diffrent/quieter ways for you to get where you nees to go.  If you dont mind your condition being know by those around you, you couuld speak to the school about being aloud to and from classes early so you avoid the crush of people. Try your best to rationalize your thoughts, yes its busy and people are touching you/getting aggitated but the reason for this is not because they want to hurt you or there annoyed with you its cause everyone annoyed at how little space there is in the corridoor and there only touching you cause they physically have to.
  • As for homework if you dont do it cause your lazy i have no symphaty but if you are generally are stuck teachers can normally tell and understand the best thing to do is go and speak to  them before class or in future email them its not that scary i promise and if they have what you have said in writing your less likley to be accused of just being lazy and not doing it.
  • And just one last piece of advice everything on that list of worries did happen to me sereval times it felt like the complete end of the world at the time. Now i still get upset that i missed out on school being “the best time of your life” like everyone says but i really dont care what anyone said or thought about me. So if anything bad happens speak to your parents school or friends no matter how small because overthinking and not talking about a problem creates more aneixty and can make it feel like the biggest thing in the word .

also as allways please comment below your ecxpirences/feelings on this or if you need someone to talk to privatly dm on twitter @mrssykeswannabe



Words have an impact please be careful how you use them

I haven’t had the best day today mental health wise, I went shopping in a big center in and due to the social anxiety i have i was already very nervous, constantly thinking everyone that couldn’t get passed my wheelchair was just judging me and hating the fact i was even there.   I have social anxiety in the form of i’m worried about saying the wrong thing, making a fool of myself or being judged, when i say judged i don’t mean my appearance i couldn’t care less i just go out in jeans t shirt and no make up everyday. What I worry about is how people perceive my character and actions, i pride myself on being a good person so for people to think or judge any personality flaw i have hurts me which is stupid because everyone has personality flaws i know!

So now  I’ve done the back ground ill go into what made me want to write the post, this might be a bit hard cause i’m trying to be discrete about who was involved and what the thing that upset was specifically about which i know wont make the most gripping of posts but I hope ill still get my point across.

While i was shopping with these people who are very close to me they made a comment about a hypothetical thing im going to do and said i would be embarrassing, this wasn’t a silly little sing like just embarrassing dancing, this was a normal human interaction that is what i struggle with and they said the word embarrassing. Just one word made me think about my actions all day for the rest of the day i went over past interactions of the same type in my head in the end i just got so anxious and worked up i cried. The people’s reactions to me where “oh we have hit a nerve!” Yes you hit a nerve and the worst part of it is you no me well enough to know my insecurities and to know that would hit a nerve and i think thats what angered me. Any form of mental health issues in individual to each person the things that trigger the same condition can vary from person to person so of course i’m not going to be super sensitive if a stranger says a comment that makes me anxious i mean don’t get  me wrong ill still overthink it but i wont be angry or take it to heart as much.

The whole situation got me thinking how words can come see easily but be have such an affect on someone. So be careful and kind with your words in every case but if you know somebody with a mental health issue learn their triggers and if there comfortable talking about it talk to them about the kind of things that can be said and how it makes them feel. This will do two things, one your less likely to trigger them in the future and two you can tell them that you dont see them in the light they clearly see themselves and talk to them how there feeling. If they are comfortable doing this then you making that effort will mean so much to them.

Have you had any the experience i had when someone has worded things in a way that effected you? or hopefully have had the experience where people have took time learn about and help you? i’d love to hear about them tweet me @mrssykeswannabe or leave comments down below.


Introduction Post- Get To Know Me

Hi to everyone reading this. Introduction posts are always difficult, I was thinking about doing an about me tag post but then i thought no that’s far to generic and i want the introduction to tell you what to expect from my blog not what my favorite drink is! So ill go straight into introducing myself and why I’m doing this blog, i just wanted this bit at the start so i didn’t seem blunt.

As you can probably tell from my profile my name is Courtney I’m 19 years old from the UK. The blog name “trying to leave the house” describes why im doing this blog , I have three health conditions that can affect my every day life to the point of it becoming leaving the house some days. The visible condition I have is cerebral palsy which affects all four of my limbs and results in me being wheelchair bound. On my blog i want to explain more about what cerebral palsy (cp) is and break down perceptions of disability in general. I want to do this in ways varying from talking about serious issues that disabled people face to kind of taking the piss out of myself to try to make disability more  normalized within society.

the second condition I have is epilepsy again just raising awareness on this disability  is  important because people can see a wheelchair and automatically see the complications and challenges that would come with but with epilepsy they cant, and there are so many life limiting aspects to it. Ok as you can probably tell im really passionate about raising awareness about epilepsy so ill stop now and wait till i do a post on it else i could go on about it for ages!

The two previous conditions have been strictly clear medically about why they would present challenges as to me leaving the house but the third is a mental health one. Which for me is a difficult one to explain because it takes so many more details to explain as its more personal to me and not just symptoms. The mental health condition that I have is social anxiety which means that i struggle in social situation such as making friendships or any time of personal relationship because im worried people will judge me. As i post more it will become clear why im worried about this but a lot of people suffer with this condition too so again i want to talk about it to break down perceptions and maybe  help someone else with my posts.

However I am not just a girl with different conditions, I have my own personality, passions and life away from this. I love music in the pop/R+B genre so will be doing some music reviews. I also am very excited to be starting uni in September and start my training to become a registered social worker so there could either be some post about that or i could need to use this blog as my escape from the stress of it haha! Basically im just using this to communicate my life in a way that i want to and about things that i want to talk about. I have spoken to some people in the blogging community from when i was doing my previous blogs who really relate to why using a blog to communicate is so confidence building. So I hope i can create the same positive atmosphere on this one.

Thank you if you have made it to the end of this ramble of a post if you were interested in anything you read or have any questions please comment or follow id love to read your blogs as well so make sure to put your links in the comments.

Courtney x