My Cancer Scare

Camera lense

Hi guys you may have noticed if your one of the few regular readers I have that I have been very quite on twitter and there have been less blog posts than normal.

The reason for this is because of a health scare, at the start of June I noticed a mole I had always had on the side of my stomach had changed size and shape I was worried as a friend of mine had recently had skin cancer (is now in remission I’m happy to say) but she had the same symptoms that I did. 

So I told my mum about what I had seen she knows about my friend and that I have aneixty so assumed that I was just over thinking it; although I was a bit cross that she was making me out just to be dramatic at first I began to see her point, I am prone to overthinking things and often come up with the worst possible sulution so I put it to the back of my mind.

A month later I was sitting in my living room with my family wearing I wouldn’t say a belly top but a top that rode up my mid-drift. My mum suddenly turned to me in a shocked voice and said “what’s that” then stated feeling and looking closer , the next thing I know she’s got my dad getting out his tape measure to measure it now at this point I’m thinking now this is what you call a dramatic reaction! 

She suggested I go to the doctors which I wanted to do in the first place just as a better to be safe than sorry procuation; so I showed the doctor my mole and she too needs to work on her poker face as she looked quiet concerned after seeing the mole and refered me to a specialist dermitioligy skin cancer clinic but made it clear that it didn’t mean I have cancer as she isn’t a specialist it just meant it hit her creitira of suspension of cancer.

Hearing the word cancer even if it does have the word suspicion next to it felt like a kick in the chest I think everyone must get the panic when they hear the c word right?

A week later I went to my appointment with the speclist, all week I had thoughts about what I was going to do if I got bad news?  How I’d tell my family? If I’d give up uni? If my care plan for my perminent disablities would change? 

Although I tried to be positive I was nervous to the point where I was shaking when my name was called out. But as soon as I got in the examination room the doctor put me at ease she looked in control like it was an examination she did everyday (which obviously she does) but she also was very personal and empathetic.

The examantion it self was very simple I’d Googled and heard of procedures such as scraping skins cells out and cutting things. What the examination actually was to have my full body exaimed with a magnification glass. When she got to the mole in question she said I can reassure you that Doesent look imediatly worrying *I brethed the biggest sigh of relief* although not worried she said it was a possible future issue as moles like mine are prone to changing so she was very through and sent me in for photos of the mole 2 far away from different angles and one with a different lense that goes on the skin. The doctor  has asked me to come in back in 6 months for comparison  but comfimed  that it is binine. 

I wrote this post because when I got the big letter referring me to the suspected cancer clinic a title that was written in big letters aswell, I would have loved to have read a real post like this to balance out the scary articles I saw on Google. It was not to click bate and i want to make it clear I do not have cancer.

Do not define yourself by your mental health

time-to-change

Hi again after over a month of not blogging as I’ve said before I love this and if I ever don’t blog for a long period of time its because of my social anxiety, which is slowly getting better after a bad month or two I might explain that in more in another post if you want me to but I’m fed up of being negative at the moment so instead I thought id share why I have decided to pluck up the courage to write this post and whats changed for me.

 

 

While I haven’t been blogging I’ve still been reading blogs from amazing people who struggle with mental health conditions but still continually post amazing and insightful post. I was always in awe of them everytime I read a post this at times made me feel guilty that I couldn’t be as strong as them to do this and then led to my anxiety getting worse and letting negative thoughts creep in such as ” yer it doesn’t matter that your not blogging cause no one likes you anyway so they won’t care or miss you” ( sharing that bit of negativity is for the purpose of positivity I promise)

This constant getting inspired by people and then comparing myself to people I couldn’t match up to or didn’t think I did was a rut I was getting myself into I wanted to be like these people but I just couldn’t.

But then I had a lady who was a representative of the #timetochange campaign come into my lecture in the mental health module of my course, she was introduced as a professional and not someone with a mental health condition who had used services herself. I heard all these amazing things she had done in her career, to be honest, its a career I could only dream of and then we were told details of her mental health conditions and the depth of how serious they were.

I was shocked, but i wasn’t shocked she was able to do this amazing job with a mental health condition I was shocked she chose to due to the nature of the parallels her mental health had with her job I can’t go into detail about what her job was but all I will say is that her colleagues also ended up being here care providers while during the times she was servilely unwell and then she would go back to work with them when she was better. I just sat there in shock that she was one brave enough to do that and not scared of stigma and two had the self-confidence that she was able to do the job with the confidence that she was still an equal to her colleagues. Questions about stigma and confidence in her abilities as a practitioner were brought up by my peers in the lecture and her replies just gave me a new outlook on my abilities both professionally and personally such as hobbies like blogging. She said:

” my mental health is part of me but its not all of me it also gives me a different outlook on the way I look at things which are a strength, it also helps me relate to people with mental health issues but I know that I can still treat them because everyone condition is different and I’m here today telling you all this to break the stigma so you can see that everyone with mental health is an individual and shouldn’t just be seen as their mental health”

This amazing lady made me realise that my blogs won’t be like the other amazing peoples in this community if I do blog and if I can’t blog when I’m ill that doesn’t mean I’m less brave them then cause I might have things in life that they can’t do while they are struggling with their mental health due to our individuality as people.

So lastly before I end this ramble I realise this post has been a bit jumpy that’s because I’ve had to miss out details and not to say how it affected my personal feeling for my fears of my abilities in my career and instead stick to how it helped with blogging because of privacy issues. but i hope i got the point across that if you have mental health issues or no someone who does don’t compare yourself to others don’t put yourself down don’t stigmatise yourself by seeing yourself as your mental health condition instead see yourself as an individual with a mental health condition who still has personality and invalid strengths and weaknesses and have confidence in yourself.

Thank you so much for reading I hope to post again soon!

Courtney

 

mental health update!

hi everyone firstly i apologise for the lack of posts, i was just starting to get regular readers then i stop posting *well done Courtney*  the reason for the lack of posts however is over the last two weeks my mental health state had decreased.

For those of you who don’t know I have social anxiety, (which is why the blogs called what it is) i noticed my worries getting worse as in just a bit more cautious  with things like going to the uni library on my own about a week ago but i had only just managed to do this in the last month anyway because of fears of being intimidated in a silent place of being judged for being on my own so because it was a new thing for me i put it down to being a fluke or something like that, which looking back now is just putting my self down without even realising it.   Other things that have been different is i had no passion to do anything essays  blog posting and for me this was unusual cause  i love blogging and im so passionate about my course I had no reason for this lack of wanting to do things apart from it will be rubbish anyway which to be honest is a normal thing i tell myself on a daily basis but i normally manage to do it anyway.

I finally came to the realisation that i had hit a bad patch in terms of mental health when i was getting really irritable one night i had a go at my poor mum down the phone and she did absolutely  nothing wrong. Once i put the phone down i felt awful and went to my flatmate “why am i such a horrible person” her reply was “apart from lectures you haven’t been out of the house in 3 weeks, shall we go out for dinner”   i hadent even realised that i hadent been out but a soon as she mentioned going out i was just struck with fear my heart raced, i was shaking and i couldn’t even think of excuses not to go out which im normally pretty good at if im having an anxious day.

These symptoms of not even realising im struggling are new for me cause i normally overthink overthink everything. im not quite sure what im going to do but im going home for a bit tommorow to see if a bit of tlc from my family will work.

Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble post but if anyone has had this type of thing id love some advice and if anyone is struggling as always get in touch with me (links on the contact page)